Mommy Blues

What I love about long weekends is it gives me time to be with Laila. But that it also what makes the end of a three-day weekends particularly heart-breaking for me and Baby Cat.

This morning, as I prepared for work, Laila protested. As she does after a weekend of having Mommy Cat to herself with no office work to compete with.

I tried to explain to her that Mommy needs to work so I can buy her toys and books. But still she protested.

'I have toys and books already. Mommy, stay home,' she pleaded.

Ouch.

These are times when I question the need for me to work outside the house. I know all the reasons why I need to work. Economic reasons is one of the biggest factor. Personal accomplishment ranks just as high.

But, still, I wonder. Sometimes. How is my frequent absence affecting Baby Cat?

I tell myself I'm a better Mom because I continue to be my own person, the person I was before Laila came. But I know I'm not. I've been modified by having this little devil of an angel come into my life.

But I'm such a wuss. I continue to cling to the old part of me. Sometimes I hold on to my old self for dear life. Sometimes I just want to let go of it.

Friend Inday told me years ago--not in a discouraging tone, mind you--that having a little baby would pin me to Manila, that I wouldn't be going out of town chasing stories for quite some time.

That hadn't happened. I'm still chasing stories. The baby is left at home with the Nanny.

It's gut wrenching.

Sometimes I blame Daddy Cat. If he were more macho and insecure and he wouldn't let me have a career on my own, I wouldn't be having this dilemma. The decision would have been made for me. I'd be nailed to the house.

But Daddy Cat is one of those secure and mature men who do not mind having the wife have her own life. So, yeah, Daddy Cat, this is all your fault.

+++

Laila was fine even before I finished getting dressed. She was excited to play in the kiddie pool with Paris and Nicole. Those two girls aren't so bad. But they are little girls adept in little girl politics.

But, apparently, Baby Cat can stand her own and successfully wade through the muck of playgorund politics. In the end, she decided to wade in her pool by herself. She wouldn't explain why, but she broke off from the pack.

That's my girl. She's her own person.