Lolo's 40 days

Dad passed away exactly 41 days ago today. As per tradition, Mom hosted padasal for him. He must be smiling now, seeing all the people who turned up to pray for him.

Here are photos taken on Dad's 40 days.



As Laila would say, I miss Lolo.

Here's Mom and me. This was taken in the kitchen while she supervises the cooking being done in the backyard.

Left photo: Nanay Juling, Tita Baby from across the street and Nanay Eli.

Right photo: Ate Meding, Jelma from downstairs and Ate Esther.

My Iron chef Kuya doing his magic. His arms were the only ones big and strong enough to stir the food being cooked in those giant pots.

Ate Meding, taking a short break from the cooking and preparing. She's the padasal's floor manager.

Ustin, Rain, Laila and Utoy, at the beach waiting for the sun to set enough to sunburn-safe levels. Apart from Laila, none of the kids brought swimwear. That didn't stop them from braving the waves.

Here are all the kids, minus John (who went back to Manila early), Trisha (went home) and Julius (only heaven knows where he was when this was taken). Top row: Yeyen, Ann, Jayson, EJ; Middle: Rain and Chi; Bottom: Laila Cat.

Lolo

My Dad passed away a month ago. Nov. 7. It'll be his 40 days on Tuesday.

I should say that I miss him. I do. Except that, at the back of my head, I think he's still around. I don't see him or feel his presence. I just know. Or believe.

Laila, on the other hand, is certain that Lolo is still around. More precisely, he's sitting on her shoulder. I told her the story of how people become angels and gain magic powers when they die. And, the trusting little cat that she is, Laila believed my story completely.

As a result, Lolo is permanently hovering by her right shoulder now. The right is the spot she designated her guardian angel is in. Lolo and the angel are invisible and weightless. It's part of the magic.

Laila's cousin, Trisha, on the other hand, is more certain that Lolo is still around. He would stand at the foot of her bed at night, wearing the same red and white barong he wore to my wedding and his funeral.

Trisha is one of those people who can see beyond what we do. She even had a short conversation with Lolo. Actually, it was Lolo who did the talking. Lolo told her that we should take care of Lola. That we should take her for a check up.

His reminder is actually good. I've been trying to convince Mom to get a long-delayed check up. I also want her to spend Christmas with us here. Dad's reminder would be a good argument for me to make her do what I say for once.

It should be creepy, I suppose, that the dead is coming for a visit. But I'm not creeped out at all. I actually feel warm and reassured.

He's still here.

Dad would have to move on one day, I know. Maybe he's making all these urgent reminders because his 40 days is drawing close. The old ones say the soul stays with us 40 more days after death before finally moving on.

But for now I know he is still definitely here. And he will always be here. For me. Even if he moves on.

What if...?

Laila seems to have inherited my tendency for paranoia for things and events imagined. She is so like me this way.

Last night, she had a crying spell over almost all conceivable tragedy that could occur in her life. She started with the benign imaginings over what if her classmates do not like to be friends with her. Her scenario is complete with details about one event from the last school year when her arm got twisted. (This I know is real because she told me about it. In her recollection, though, Baby Cat omitted the fact—which she personally relayed to me shortly after it happened—that she engaged in some pretty mean, i.e. wickedly fun, arm-twisting herself.)

Her scenario-building soon progressed to what if people in school don’t recognize her and she’s not allowed in. Then her world of scaries expanded to include me. What if I grow old and is downed by a prolonged illness. I would die and she wouldn’t have a Mom. And what if both Daddy Cat and I grow old, sickly and die; then she would truly be alone with just her Ate Lyn.

Or, what if the police lock me up; then I’d have to eat, watch TV and take a bath in prison!

She was so distraught I couldn’t bare to laugh out loud. But I wanted to. I wanted to so much.

She is so funny the way she is afraid of so many things that she cooks up in her head. And yet she is not afraid of falling off a Ferris Wheel—which she loves to ride—and all other scary activities kids who are not familiar with danger engage in.

I think she got that from me. I tend to cook up catastrophe and tragedy in my head. Even as a child, and especially now as an adult.

Perhaps Dad’s passing away stirred up Laila’s many fears. She knew that daddy Cat’s Dad is dead and is in heaven with T-Bag (her hamster), but she hadn’t known him while he was alive. This is probably why her perception of death was quite detached until Daddy.

Baby Cat had known Lolo alive. His passing made death much more real to her. She learned that people who were alive could die and they would never live again.

Laila knows dead people become angles and the closest ones become our Guardian Angels. They gain the magic powers, become invisible and weightless. They sit on our shoulder to protect us from harm.

But we can’t embrace them like we conventionally do.

I am thinking about Dad now. And I know that, definitely, Laila gets her tendency to be despondent from me.