Tears and Guilt

Laila was bawling again when I left for work this morning.

It started with a little whimpering when I started my morning pre-office routine and before long developed into an emotional tearfest by the time I was getting into the tricycle.

I tried to comfort her as much as I could. I bribed her with an unscheduled reading session, taho and even a Power Rangers video. She'd be pacified for a while and then start up again.

The baby books say that she's in the stage that it dawns on her that I physically leave her. She's understood the concept of being left behind but isn't so confident yet that people who go away come back eventually. They say it's a phase young kids go through.

But I'm not sure. I'm worried that I'm inflicting permanent damage on her psycholgically. What if she grows up thinking that she's not very important to me because I always leave her at home? Or she grows up resenting me for working out of the house everyday? Does working out of the house full time make me a bad Mom?

Other working mothers would probably want to kick be in the bum if they hear my worries. Or at least want to slap me in the forehead for being so stupid, for over-reacting.

The thing is, I know that there are more working mothers than or at least as many as stay-at-home Moms. I know I am not the first working Mom to leave her child at home to the care of a Yaya. I know that Daddy Alvin and I will not be able to provide for Laila the way we do now on a single income. I know Laila will eventually grow out of it.

But knowing all that doesn't lessen the guilt of hearing her sobbing everyday, pleading 'Mummy come here. Wag ka alis! Waaaah!'

I can't stand it! My lungs swell up and my throat tightens. I find it difficult to breathe--no exaggeration.

And what's more unforgivable is how I react to all of it. Instead of comforting her, I pry off her teensy weensy arms twisted around my neck and give her to Ate. And, while she's still howling, I smile and wave pretending nothing was wrong and then get on the tricycle.

The baby books say that's the way to do it. Pretend everything is OK, smile calmly and make goodbyes short.

But it feels so wrong.

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I envy Moms who are full-time mothers. Let me qualify: I envy full-time Moms who chose to be that way.

I've been fantasizing about that. I imagine giving up working full time and just accept writing assignments or part-time editing work. I can always return to working full time when Laila's older.

But I'm not sure. Work has defined me for so long and so intensely that I'm not sure if I'll be the same Mom if I become a full-time Mom. The thing is, I'm terribly proud of the work I do, the places, people and events I get to experience. I think the realities of life I get to know everyday makes me a better Mom.

I want to share my experiences with Laila so all of it would enrich her as a person as well. I want her to know there's a world beyond her own, that the world's not all sunny and friendly but it's not all gloom and blood as well. I want her to be proud of me, to point to her friends 'That's my Mom.'

I feel guilty because, despite my despair over her cries and pleas, I seem to get so immersed with work that all of it doesn't bother me again until the day is about to end.

Does that make me a bad Mom?